The Volturi Application
by Alunamai
Summary: It's a job application designed to make the person who fills it out go bananas. What happens when Edward fills it out and what are his thoughts as it thoroughly makes him angry. Please R&R!
1. Part One

I do not own The Twilight Series. All Three books belong to Stephenie Meyer.

THE VOLTURI APPLICATION AND 

**THINGS THAT PISS OFF EDWARD**

**BY: ALUNAMAI AND LASTARAS**

Thank you for time spent filling out this application. We will gladly look over your application and will give you notice with in the next week.

**Please fill out all information.**

**12. Your name**

**Edward Anthony Masen Cullen**

**2. Age**

**17… or 106 take your pick.**

**3. Race**

**Vampire**

**4. Six pence none the richer**

_**Six pence none the richer… who the hell is writing this.**_** Edward thought to himself.**

**6. Are you Carlisle Cullen? If not, why?**

**No because I was born in 1901 not 1640. I am not a blonde. And I am not a doctor.**

**7. Black socks they never get dirty the longer the blacker they get. Some day I'll probably launder them. But something keeps telling me don't do it yet. Not yet. Not Yet.**

Is this a question.

_**WTF?**_

8. Call me when you're sober.

_**Call who when I'm sober? **_

**9. If you're Carlisle, definitely call me when you're NOT sober. I'm really curious.**

**10. How's Esme?**

**She's fine. She just finished putting up new wall paper in …. **_**Wait, why am I answering this.**_

11. Siriusly call me.

For your information, Siriusly is spelled Seriously… where did you get that spelling.

12. So, what's Bella like in bed?

_WHAT! WHO THE HELL IS ASKING ALL THESE STUPID QUESTIONS?_

78. Your mind is very loud right now.

13. This land is your land.

This land is my land?

14. Have you ever taken human life? If so, YAY!

Maybe back in the twenty's why would it matter now?

15. Whose writing this application?

I could only guess… umm, Aro.

16. Where is Carlisle now… as in at this very moment?

…

17. Where's the beef?

At a store.

18. Have you ever seen a monkey ask a moose to a moose lodge meeting?

Umm. No. Can't say I have.

19. Is Chuck Norris your friend?

No. Ask Emmett that.

20. If you could be Carlisle Cullen, would you date me?

No, especially if I was, I would have a wife and six "children."

21. What time is it?

I don't know, you guys wouldn't let me have a watch.

22. Are you a Mao Mao?

I don't recall ever being a communistic leader of China… nor a cat's pet name…

2214. What day is it?

Why it's Christmas Eve sir… what do you think?

24. Are you gay?

No.

25. I never said you were the communistic leader of china… I just asked if you were Mao Mao.

Who the hell is Mao Mao?

26. Carlisle Cullen.

Is that an answer to the question I just asked you… and how would you have known?

27. Do you like bears?

No. I am more of a mountain lion man. Why do you ask?

28. Just because.

_Is it me or is this application weird? _Edward thought as he read the last question.

29. Do you like gummy bears?

No, I am a vampire… wait… are they blood filled.

30. What is 2 plus 6 plus 987,765,879,876,788,754,575,457,678,799 multiplied by 655 divided by 2?

3.2349332565964831712346238980929 e plus 32 did you really think I wouldn't use a calculator to solve that.

56. What is Carlisle like in opinion? Or If you are Carlisle, Describe yourself… in detail.

34. He is a wonderful man who likes moonlit walks with his wife Esme. He is a doctor who.. why am I answering this?

32. Do you like the potential break up song?

Um, no.

33. How long have you been a vampire?

About ninety years.

34. What house are you in at Hogwarts?

I don't know.

A/N: Okay that is it for this portion. Please send us reviews and please give us some question ideas. Oh and all numbering issues are on purpose…


	2. Part Two

I do not own The Twilight Series. All Three books belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Oh, and people, I enjoy writing things that sound ridiculous, it passes the time and who cares if it makes sense… if you find this ridiculous and still enjoy reading it, then you really have no problem with this at all. I understand that this makes no sense, but I am writing more for my benefit and for the benefit of others… so people can laugh. I also read the ones recommended to me and found that the one was not that funny, and the other (ah Aro) was hysterical. Thank you all for your opinion, they are greatly appreciated… please Read and Review.

THE VOLTURI APPLICATION AND 

**THINGS THAT PISS OFF EDWARD**

**BY: ALUNAMAI AND LASTARAS**

Part 2 

**35. When did you start thinking that a career with the Volturi was ideal?**

**Never. I am being forced to fill out this ridiculous piece of crap by my "mother" and "father"**

_**Seriously, I do not want to be here. I'd rather be with Bella. If I hadn't been blamed for that damn window… and hadn't been denied any of the other jobs I applied for… then I wouldn't be here filling this stupid thing out. None of these questions make any sense.**_

36. How much wood would a woodchuck, chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I don't know.

_None I believe… I mean… woodchucks can't chuck wood! Who the hell is writing this damn test… I swear to god it's Aro… I mean, who comes up with this crap… Woodchucks?_

37. If you could have one superpower which would you choose?

Super strength

Super speed

Ability to read minds

Empathy

_Do I have to answer this question… no I believe I do not have to answer this ridiculous question._

38. Aww, come on. Please.

Fine. Ability to read minds. That is all I will say on this matter.

_Not that my opinion matters anyways. I want to know who is writing this test… this makes no sense… there is absolutely no realistic questions on here. It's like the test is designed to make the applicant go nuts like Aro… which is not normal._

39. What is it like to be dead? Be honest.

I don't get to sleep. I want to destroy my girlfriend for her blood. I want blood at all times. Although the upside of being dead is fantastic. I get to run at inhuman speeds, which help me save Bella. I can read peoples minds, except for Bellas. I can protect Bella from evil vampires such as Caius and Demitri. I am solely here for Bella. She is my life and I can give her everything she has ever wanted… except for children.

40. What does blood taste like to Carlisle?

I do not know.

41. Do you like me?

I don't even know who YOU are. How can I say if I like some one if I don't know who they are. That is one of stu… wait this entire application is stupid. Why did I ever agree to do this? Why?

42. Oh, C'mon!

Tell me who you are first.

43. That is for us to know, and for you to find out later.

What I want to know is how you know exactly what I am going to put… it's almost as if Alice co- wrote this test.

44. Please?

Please what.

45. Do you want to be friends?

Not while your annoying me.

46. Why not?

You're annoying me.

47. Are you my mommy?

Umm, no. Why would I be your mother? I don't understand this.

48. Is it windy out side?

I do not know. I am not the weatherman, and I can't exactly see what the hell is going on out side since there are no windows.

49. My, are we a bit touchy.

Shut up. I really don't want to deal with this right now… I am about ready to quite this application. Then what are you going to do?

50. Find some one else to annoy… like Carlisle.

"Gianna, do I have to fill out every question… these are ridiculous. You wouldn't happen to know who wrote this, would you?" I asked since I was reaching my breaking point.

"Well, no Mr. Cullen. Although it would be beneficial if you do fill out the entire test."

"Is it normal for these things to be… annoying?"

"Yes."

_Of course they would be._

51. If you could be an animal what would you be?

A mountain lion.

52. Why?

I don't know, maybe because I like mountain lion. I should ask you the same question.

53. Are you a tyrant?

No, not normally. Only when killer vampires come and threaten my Bella.

54. Hmmm, lets play twenty questions.

Fine. I'll think of something.

55. Is it an object, a mineral, or a liquid?

It is an object.

56. Does it have a name?

Yes.

_This is getting really ridiculous. I mean, Twenty questions… _

57. Does it breath?

I should hope so.

58. Your making this way to easy for me, Edward.

Oh, Boo Freaking Who! Cry me a river.

59. Hey that's a Justin Timberlake song.

Oh dear lord in heaven, save me from this mad house.

60. I think I know!

Oh, please do tell me.

61. Is it Bella?

Bravo! I can't even imagine how you could have possibly known.

62. I am Voldemort, and I know All!

_Oh dear lord… why did I agree to this? Why? I could have just given Esme the money… hey there's an idea… I have the money… why not give it to Esme! I have enough to cover that window… hmmm… yes… that is what I will do!_

I stood up and gave the application to Gianna.

"Thank you very much, but I have changed my mind. Tell Aro that I am still not willing to join his cult."

"I will. Have a wonderful evening and a safe flight home."

"Thank you." I turned to walk out the door and was greeted by Carlisle.

_Hello Edward. I am here to fill out a survey. Why they couldn't just send it in the mail like I requested?_

"Who knows, but you are in for a fun time. Trust me." I said as I started to leave.

A/N: Okay, Now I know that this is a ridiculous fanfic… but we have to remember that I wrote insanity! So lets get that through our thick heads people. I am going to do another chapter, only this time it will be from Carlisles pov… this shall be fun… any ideas please review… oh and the reason for why it is so random will be revealed soon… as in the "authors of the test" will be revealed at the end of the next chapter or the chapter after that.


	3. Part Three

I so totally forgot to give thanks to Bite Me Edward 7… I usually remember to credit those who give me ideas… So am so very sorry that I forgot. Thank you oh so very much.

The Volturi Application…

By: Alunamai and Lastaras

I entered the office and walked up to a girl sitting behind the desk that was in the room. She immediately looked up at me and smiled.

"Welcome, you must be…"

"Dr. Cullen. I am here for…"

"Here." She handed me a pack of papers and told me to sit in the small room off to her right. I did as told and started the 'survey.'

1. What is your name?

Carlisle Cullen

2. Age?

Three Hundred and Sixty-Seven

3. What are your feelings regarding Aro?

He is a very… delightful… being. Full of energy and most lively of all the Volturi…

4. Do you find him attractive?

No.

5. Aro is sad.

I find that hard to believe.

6. Why?

Because he is clinically insane.

7. What is the meaning of life?

I do not know. I mean I wish I knew. But I don't.

8. Do you lovely your wife?

Yes I very much do. She is the air I breath.

9. Why not Aro?

He's, how do I say this politely, strange.

10. Do you like green eggs and ham?

No.

11. Would you eat them in a box?

No.

12. Would you eat them with a fox?

Are we Dr. Seuss?

13. I ask the questions here.

Alright.

14. What kind of underwear are you wearing?

Boxers, and why is this relevant?

I just wanted to know… something I've been meaning to ask.

You're strange. NO your more than strange, clinically insane if you ask me. Now I really do not think I am going to finish this survey.

16. But why?'

Because I am not answering mental patients questions.

17. But I am not a mental patient.

Yes you are. Good bye.

18. Damn, we lost another one.

x-x-x-x

Esme POV

Some where in Castle Volturi… probably the Carlisle Cullen Room (read Aro Volturi).

"Your husband is very allusive." Aro said in a strange tone. "Thank you Alice for helping your mother and I write that survey. It was so much fun writing rebuttals to answers we already knew the answers to! I LOVED IT! Now, whos next on our list?"

"That would be Rosalie Hale!" Alice screeched with delight. "I think we should do something different… like not a test like situation, but more like something that would annoy the hell out of her… hmmm…"

"I think I know what you mean!" Aro answered.

"I think I have the perfect plan." I said.

A/N: Okay, I know it's really short but I was busy and I have been slowly writing new chapters for everything… so I got this one done… and I hope you all like it… any ideas as to what should happed to Rosalie let me know! R&R… no update unless I get at least a few reviews… that's more than two people! Love you all!


	4. Part Four

Disclaimer: I do not own The Twilight Saga. I am just a poor College Student. (Yeah I'm as shocked as you are!)

The Volturi Application

Part IV

Alunamai

Alice POV

"A job interview?" Rosalie asked me as we went down to the Interview Room. This was not on the guided tour of the Volturi Castle. (Again, read Aro Volturi)

"Yes, Ar… they just want to see if you are well equipped to join, should you choose to in the future."

"But I…" she started to say.

"Incase you and Emmett should not work out and you decide to kill him." I interrupted.

She amazingly didn't have a rebuttal to my comment about her and Emmett breaking it off. I have not seen them breaking up at any time… but maybe she thought that I saw it in the future.

"I love your outfit." I said looking at her a moment.

"I've been wearing this all day." She said annoyed.

"No, I mean your next out fit. You'll see what I mean." I giggled.

We had reached the room and I hugged her.

"Good luck." I said pushing her through the door and then I ran to the room next door which had a two-way mirror. This was going to be funny.

x-x-x

Rosalie POV

"Ah, welcome Mrs. McCarty." Aro said as I entered the room.

"Good Evening, Aro." I said politely. I was not going to comment on how I only used Hale.

"I assume you Alice has briefed you?" He asked.

"She did tell me that this was an interview." I said looking at him skeptically. Something was up and I knew I was going to have to get out of here.

"Ah, then you don't know that you will be putting on a concert." He said with a smile. "Pity, then I guess I shall tell you and allow you get ready."

"A .. A Concert?" I looked at him as if he sprouted six more heads. "Are you serious?" There was no way in hell that I was going to put on a concert. Not for wack job and not for Italy! NO! NO! NO!!! "Sure. Just tell me what I need to do and sing."

"Put this on and you just need to know every single song on this cd." He said handing me some sparkly garments and a cd with not cover art or title. "I shall return to take you to the concert venue."

x-x-x

Alice

Aro stepped out of the room and I was waiting for him.

"THAT was not what we rehearsed!" I practically whisper screamed.

"Don't worry. I have everything under control."

"This coming from the whack job of the whole Volturi." I said as he started to walk away from me. He turned and smiled an evil smile.

"Then, Lu Lu Lovehangle, here is your wig." He tossed me a short blue wig and then walked away.

"Your making her be Hannah Montana?" I called after him. "She's going to kill you!"

x-x-x

Two Hours Later

"Where in the hell are we going?" Rosalie asked as we piled into the Volturimobile.

"We need to save the world!" Aro said as he got behind the wheel.

"Yeah, we need to save the world!" I agreed.

"Does Aro even have a drivers license?" Rose asked me.

"No." Aro and I answered at the same time.

"To get to our destination we first have to get past the door!" Aro said as we looked at the garage door.

"The Door!"

"The Door?" Rose asked.

"The Door!!!" Aro exclaimed.

"What does the door have to with anything you just have to press the garage door opener." Neither of us answered. "Let me guess… you broke it." She was getting slightly irritated.

"The door is everything." Aro said psychotically.

"All that once was and All that will be!" I chimed in.

"The door controls time and space."

"Love and death."

"The door can see into your mind."

"The door can see into your soul!" I finished.

"Really, the d… door can do all that?" Rose said in awe.

"Ha, no." Aro said and opened the garage door.

We took off from the garage at a terrifying speed as we raced towards our destination.

"And why do I have to be dressed by Hannah Montana?"

"You'll see."

"We're almost there Rosie." I said looking at her. "It's right at the end of this…"

"OH MY GOD! IT'S A PEDESTRIAN!" Aro screamed as he almost hit a person.

"No!! A pedestrian." I wailed with him.

"Just a few minutes and we're…" Aro continued.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S A Werewolf!" I yelled.

"No! Werewolf!" Aro said.

"Werewolf again!" I was trying not to laugh. Rosalie was getting pissed. I could hear her seething in the back seat.

"And it's gonna kill us!" Aro continued.

"It's right up ahead now!" I said looking at her. She was irritated. She had ripped some of the car seat apart. "You can see the… OH MY GOD ITS…"

"Stop it!" She screamed. "Stop it!!! I don't care about each and every roadside thing you see!"

"Rosie! We're here!" Aro yelled jumping out of the car and running into the garage.

"This looks exactly like the Volturi Castle!" She screamed.

"Shhh! You'll wake the Umu!" I said in a hushed voice and lead her into the garage and into the castle.

"We gotta be sneaky!" Aro said.

"Yeah sneaky." I agreed. We ran up the walls and then back down again.

"Yeah, theres no way I can do that with out falling." She said irritated.

"OH NO!" I said grabbing on to her and looking around all deranged like. "Listen! The Umu has awoken."

"RUN!" Aro said running down the corridor.

"Ahhhh!" I followed suit.

"What are you.. I don't hear anything." She said following after us slowly.

"Hurry!" I said grabbing her arm.

"Look out for the Yum Yums, They're everywhere!"

"What am I missing here? Hey! Let go!" She screamed. "Alice!"

"Caius coming in from above!!!" Aro laughed maniacally.

"Rosie! WATCH OUT FOR THE BLEH BLEH BLEH!!!" I yelled.

"Can I go back to my room yet?" Rose asked.

We came to a indoor moat and Aro and I boarded the duck shaped boat.

"Rosie! Get on the duck! The Bleh Bleh Bleh are right behind you!" Aro turned to face her.

"I think I'll take my chances with the Umpoos and the Wa Wa's." She said standing there with her arms crossed.

"OH! NO! A CAIUS HAS ROSIE!" Aro screamed in horror.

"Quickly get on the duck." I pulled her onto the boat and we started to row.

"Ring Ring." Aro said.

"Hello?"

"Ring Ring."

"H.. Hello?"

"Ring Ring"

"Hello?"

"Ring Ring."

"H…"

"YOU HAVE A FUCKING BAD CONNECTION!!!" Rosalie screamed so load that her voice vibrated the entire tunnel we were in and caused bits of rock to fall from the ceiling.

We waited a few moments.

"Ring Ring." Aro said again.

"Hello?"

Ring Ring?"

We had then reached the stage that was made for Rose to perform as Hannah Montana. She stepped off the boat, went to the microphone and glared at the Volturi that were assembled to watch her.

"This is 'Everybody Makes Mistakes'" She gritted through her teeth.

x-x-x

"Who's next?" Aro asked me as we left to find a place to sit in the crowd.

"How about Jasper?" I asked.

"Hmmmm I agree." Aro said.

Then we sat back and watched the Death By Hannah Concert.

x-x-x

A/N: I'm sorry for the extremely long wait… but I had to study for my GED! Which I did get… back in June! But I also have a lot of other things going on too! But I will update this before the end of the weekend… maybe… (evil cackle)

Also sorry for the whole Charlie the Unicorn thing in this… but it fit…


End file.
